In Relationships, Stop Searching for “The One”
Hollywood love movies, romance novels, Instagram reels of our friends in loving relationships — they often paint the meaning of what Love is.
We picture Love as having two people falling in love, going on cute dates, sharing commonality in interests, and being in each other’s company. Love, as we thought it to be, is as simple as finding “the one” who does these things with us.
Yet, the one question that people love to talk about, debate, worry about, and think to themselves is, “How do I know if my partner is the one for me?”. Humans are curious, and we want to know if the relationship we’re in is the right one or a mistake we’re about to commit.
As Hussey mentioned,
“(In life) Instead of bringing passion to the thing we’re doing, we look for the thing that we’re doing to bring us passion and I think people do the same for relationships.”
Our quest to find “the one” isn’t as complicated as we’re making it but it’s different than we think.
“The One” Doesn’t Exist.
Maybe you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t think there is “the one”. Rather, I believe there is someone right for us.
Our versions of “the one” exist in the fictional world. In reality, finding “the one” is choosing who the person is going to be. When looking for long term relationships, the right person is someone who is both ready and suitable for us.
It’s Not About Your Partner. It’s About the Both of You
We spend too much time pinning after “the one” that we forget a relationship is a sum of two persons’ efforts. If we think happiness is achieved when we’ve finally found “the one”, then that isn’t Love. It’s merely searching for someone to fill our empty void and complete us.
This preconception leads us to be complacent — that “the one” is all we ever need instead of putting real work into the relationship.
When we rely on our partner to make us happy, two things happen. On the one hand, it drains the soul out of them and makes being in a relationship seem like a chore. On the other hand, we’re continually seeking validation from our partner that we ultimately lose ourselves in the process of loving the idea of them being “the one”.
“Love is less of a feeling and more of a choice. It’s choosing someone who chooses you, then continuing to choose one another daily, especially on days where you don’t even want to be in the same room as them. Love is patient. Love is kind. “
— Brandon G. Alexander
A relationship should be the equivalent of what a team is — teammates who share everything, back one another up in times of distress, and inspire you to be better every day.
A Relationship Isn’t All About the Fancy Bits.
But mostly work too. Love isn’t just something that happens to us and grows passively.
Being in a team-based relationship means doing the dishes when our partner had a bad day at work. Taking an interest in their passions. Putting ourselves in their shoes to understand where they’re coming from. Surprising them with a short vacation, and all other things that make our partner feel loved.
It’s easy to get carried away by our partner’s charisma, humour, kindness, or all other qualities that make you feel like they’re “the one”. We can choose and take action every day. If we leave the state of our relationships to the hands of the universe, then this becomes a gamble — a risky game that’s bound to lose. Remember, Love hinges on feelings, and feelings may fade.
A good relationship is one where two parties do the work and never stop putting in efforts for one another.
Isn’t Falling in Love Enough?
Having feelings for someone is only the starting point. It sparks the chemistry between both of you, but it doesn’t guarantee a long-term, healthy and mature Love. It’s like dosing yourself with thousands of motivational quotes and expect it to do the work for you.
No, we do the work. Even billionaires don’t get rich in just a day.
“Overnight success stories take a long time.”
— Steve Jobs
Not All Hope is Lost
“The one” can still happen if we’re willing to commit and make it work. When the odds are against your current on some days, don’t just walk away because things are hard. Instead, find out what went wrong and solve the problem together.
Like businesses, renowned companies are where they are today because their founders were committed to making their company “the one” among its consumers — the brand that people choose over the others.
Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, once said,
“What matters is companies that don’t continue to experiment or embrace failure eventually get in the position where the only thing they can do is make a Hail Mary bet at the end of their corporate existence.”
Love is a choice, not a feeling. We have the option to make it work or watch the problems in our relationship snowball into a massive avalanche and crash.
Love starts with you and just as the law of attraction says, “You attract what you think and feel”. If we believe finding “the one” will solve all our relationship miseries and lead us to a fairy-tale happy ending, you’ll likely attract a partner with the mindset of “If our relationship fails, it fails. If it doesn’t, good for us”.
If you believe that being with “the one” is committing yourself to make it work, you’ll attract someone willing to weather the stormy and sunny days with you.
After all, Love is about self-sufficiency and most importantly, constant efforts.
Thank you for reading!
